A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Incidentally, I only have one cavity, and as much as my dentist asks me to, I just can't bring myself to floss.

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

I am like a table that eats its own legs off because it’s fallen in love with the floor.

My home is my castle, and I spend a lot of time nurturing it, redecorating - moving this and adjusting that, adding flowers and candles.

Riches, honors and pleasure are the sweets which destroy the mind's appetite for heavenly food; poverty, disgrace and pain are the bitters which restore it.

Being in New York, a lot of people I knew were top-notch copy editors or photo retouchers, so I had a good community around me that knew how to do the specialized stuff.

Often a man goes on for years imaging that the religious teaching that had been imparted to him since childhood is still intact, while all the time there is not a trace of it left in him.

Life is a rollercoaster ride and I don't intend on being the one screaming and hanging on for dear life.

Everything that I write comes when it wants to, out of its own need and it dictates its form. I don't say, "I am going to write a novel."

People are so scared to really voice who they are. They want to be politically correct. Just scared to see what other people's perceptions are.