A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Economy is the thief of time.

Leigh [Bowery] would create fake guest lists and put the most ridiculous names on them - Joan Collins, or really naff soap stars who would never grace the door of Taboo.

Out of some persistent sense of large-scale ruin, we kept inventing hope.

I want the American people to understand that conservatism... is an ideology of protecting the people and the people's rights.

The thing is that I never felt beautiful. I really never did. I think I can change my looks and be different things, but I've never thought of myself as this face.

One man meets an infamous punishment for that crime which confers a diadem on others.

Moving. Someone said this to me a long time ago, it's bhuddist saying, I think: 'There is no wasted effort'.

Do not be afraid to offer ideas that draw opposition. Remember, if no one is against your idea, then your idea probably doesn't do anything.

Cherish yesterday, Dream tomorrow, Live today.

It is a common mistake these days to politicize anything and everything, including music.