A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

A life of devotion to one's passion gives us meaning to our life.

Oh, I don't wonder babies always cry when they wake up in the night. So often I want to do it too.

I love America. It's Americans I can't stand.

Love is like the rain. It comes in a drizzle sometimes. Then it starts pouring and if you're not careful it will drown you.

You know, what 'New Girl' is doing is they're bringing in really cool people. These are home-run people who aren't your typical guest-star-type people.

So, do I think I'm missing something? I really don't, and I think that comes with age.

America is a great country. I've been in the south, in the center and in the north. I like it. Americans are very good people. There's just too much air-conditioning.

The idea is there locked inside. All you have to do is remove the excess stone.

It is those who have enough but not too much who are the happiest.