A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I don't think it is a good mental health practice to fantasize that you know the infinite thoughts of imaginary entities.

Time is your acquaintance, life is your friend, death is your enemy, and existence is your soulmate.

He is not rich that possesses much but he that covets no more and he is not poor that enjoys little but he that wants too much.

Home is an invention on which no one has yet improved.

A manager uses a relief pitcher like a six shooter, he fires until it's empty then takes the gun and throws it at the villain.

To resist him that is set in authority is evil

A satyagrahi turns the searchlight inward relentlessly to weed out all the defects that may be lying hidden there still.

Baseball is what we were, football is what we have become.

Hasten slowly and ye shall soon arrive.

It's fun to be surrounded by people that you love.