A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

We can neither hurry nor hasten the works of God.

If I showed you what was in my heart, " she said, "it would burn you to a cinder."I've tried to burn you similarly, " it said, "but you never even noticed when I opened my chest.

A kiss is a secret told to the mouth instead of the ear kisses are the messengers of love and tenderness.

For me, having it all is being paid to write novels.

When the voice and the vision on the inside is more profound, and more clear and loud than all opinions on the outside, you've begun to master your life.

I really like the song "Only One" [ Kanye West with Paul McCartney].

I'd like to think they're staring at me because of my white-hot animal magnetism, but I'm not Elvis. I'm Lobster Boy, hear me roar.

It is not by change of place that we can come nearer to Him who is in every place, but by the cultivation of pure desires and virtuous habits.

I want to get married again and have kids and even adopt.

We're all intrigued, in our civilized world that we live in, and curious about how we would get on, on an undiscovered island that is untouched by man.