A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending their feeling of disbelief. It might piss a few people off, but I can't help it.

I'm not sure why I like cats so much. I mean, they're really cute obviously. They are both wild and domestic at the same time.

I like the comedians that go into detail and tell longer stories.

Love is such a confusing word. You think I'm joking but I'm not.

I think narcissists are endlessly watchable. The way they view the world and the way they interact within the world.

In real life, comedians aren't funny.

I knew that if I was going to write a book, I was going to have to read one, too.

I tend to a lot of improvisational ranting, and that's fun. For me, stand-up has been, performance-wise, a really good outlet.

I like doing all different types of comedy - stand-up, sketch, movies, TV. I like to try everything.

Cats are unpredictable because they're wild and domestic at the same time. Watching a cat's behavior is like a small window into the wild.

Maybe in 10 years,I'll only be doing "classical" comedy. Or crashing my car into trees.

I want something that is nothing like the past.

The fact differentiates the fake.

Certain battles were won by retreating.

The heart itself is beyond control. That is its power, and its weakness.

I'm the best there is at what I do but what I do best isn't very nice

What could be lonelier than trying to communicate?

The most perceptive character in a play is the fool, because the man who wishes to seem simple cannot possibly be a simpleton.

If you're associated with the Philadelphia media or town, you look for negatives. I don't know if there's something about their upbringing or they have too many hoagies, or too much cream cheese.

I just can't vote to go to war unless I think there's a real clear-cut American purpose in the war, that we're going to win and that we're not going fight for stalemate.

Most things I worry about never happen anyway.