A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

One in AllAll in One--If only this is realized, No more worry about your not being perfect (175)

When you lie down on your bed to sleep, remember with thanksgiving the blessings and the providence of God.

Endless praise and adoration, limitless abnegation and abjection of self; a celestial North Korea.

It may be that the most avid readers of new fiction in America today are film producers, an indication of the trouble were in.

Courage is exhilarating.

You do it a day at a time. You write as well as you can, you put it in the mail, you leave it under submission, you never leave it at home.

A girl can do what she wants to do / And that's what I'm gonna do.

In caring for others and serving heaven, There is nothing like using restraint.

The most interesting thing about being alive is that there is no black and white; there are many shades of gray.

To never forget that the most important thing in life is the quality of life we lead.