A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I'd like to go out knowing that I helped a few people along the way.

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.

Today it’s economically crucial and personally rewarding to create something that is also beautiful, whimsical, or emotionally engaging.

Guys who do a lot of running and jumping around cannot get themselves set to throw a hard punch.

Louis Kelso's formula sounds like Lydia Pinkham's Vegetable Compound. The whole theory sounds crazy. But, then, one may recall, they said all that of Copernicus too.

Elvis Presley? He's God.

Assign Yogi Berra to Cape Canaveral; he could handle any missile.

Once love found you it clung, no matter how much you tried to shake it off.

It’s a new world, brother. And we, the downtrodden, are taking it back. (Madoc)