A lot of people have said, "Oh, I, boy, I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away."

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Lack of spiritual desire should grieve us and lead us to lament its absence, to seek earnestly for its bestowal, so that our praying, henceforth, should be an expression of the soul's sincere desire.

Somehow your heart still knows me.

If an ignorant person is attracted by the things of the world, that is bad. But if a learned person is thus attracted, it is worse.

The prejudices of superstition are superior to all others, and have the strongest influence on the human mind.

Trudeau's contribution was not to build Canada but to destroy it, and I had to come in and save it.

Believe in yourself no matter what anyone says

To be getting an education means this: to be learning what is your own, and what is not your own.

Do the right thing by whoever crosses your path. Those coincidental people are your people.

I conceive the essential task of religion to be "to develop the consciences, the ideals, and the aspirations of mankind".

O saving Victim, opening wide The gate of heaven to man below, Our foes press on from every side, Thine aid supply, Thy strength bestow.