A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

When the awareness of what is achievable brushes your life, your journey has begun.

Intelligence won wars, not brute force.

I just got into the Beatles a couple of years ago, you know, I like it.

The music business is motivated by money. Music is motivated by energy and feelings.

Sports and entertainment are the only places where inner-city kids see themselves being able to succeed. Their intellectual development is something they don't relate to.

Forget luxury; as a great company you have to keep evolving.

Our nation's infrastructure needs are tremendous, and they're growing.

We're connected to God through faith and Satan through fear.

If a woman decides she likes me, it would behoove her to take into consideration that my art has had a strong influence on the type of person I am.

More often than not, it is what you are rather than what you say that will bring an unbeliever to Christ. This, then, is the ultimate apologetic. For the ultimate apologetic is: your life.