A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I have graduated to the extent of not asking what is happening in my life because I trust the maker(God).

After all I've seen, if I hadn't learned compassion, I wouldn't be worth much.

To enjoy true, vibrant health, increased awareness, effort, and focus are required.

He believed in his own decency with all his heart. So it was with every true monster, Vic supposed.

The truth is that the glory of God is the person and presence of God- The glory is the Holy Spirit .

I'm very attracted to the great open spaces of the West.

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

Sometimes the best gear for a climb is a good excuse.