A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

You are where you need to be. Just take a deep breath.

I just really think every job I do, I get this gypsy attitude to money.

I consider the 3 most cruelly produced foods to be from lobsters, dropped alive into boiling water, veal from calves separated from their mothers and kept in crates, and pate de foie gras.

I've asked about you and they told me things but my mind didn't change and I still feel the same.

My workday is non-stop break-neck high stakes and high pressure. Every day.

Trust, but look for the exits.

Thoughts rule the world.

The [Elian] raid... was almost worth it, if only to watch Jesse Jackson...defending an armed pre-dawn raid by the US government on a minority household.

You can't crush ideas by suppressing them. You can only crush them by ignoring them.

People have to know there is more to living than physical things.