A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

Where there's a will there's a dead person.

Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.

I like life. It's something to do.

Great spirit, Great soul.

I have learned that to have a good friend is the purest of all God's gifts for it is a love that has no exchange of payment.

War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today.

It is certain that at certain times talent entirely overcomes thought or poetry.

The rooms I tend to be in are pretty democratic and the best idea wins.

Who knows what the hell a government is or what the hell a government does.

There is a measure in everything. There are fixed limits beyond which and short of which right cannot find a resting place.

I had to let go of him. But I knew that as long as I lived, I would feel the phantompain of his absence.

She refused to accept the simple truism that the better you were, the bigger threat you were to those at the top.

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.