A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

So this is the goal: To make money by increasing net profit, while simultaneously increasing return on investment, and simultaneously increasing cash flow.

Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.

I do not want to see BP nickel and diming these businesses that are having a tough time.

This search for happiness can knock us out of sync with God. As the life of Jesus makes clear, keeping in sync with God is about obedience. Any other pursuit will get in the way.

Is he mad? Anyway there's something on his mind, as sure as there must be something on a deck when it cracks.

It's beautiful when you watch something good happen to somebody when it's well deserved.

I thank God tonight for freedom - those who bought and paid for it with their lives in the past - those who will protect it in the present and defend it in the future.

Deception is everywhere.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

When you see the world as it is, but insist on making it more like it could be, you matter.