A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

You have to choose whether to go to a restless sleep or to stay awake and fight for a blissful night rest.

I doubt whether classical education ever has been or can be successfully carried out without corporal punishment.

Everyone's connected but no one is connecting.

It was so easy living day by day Out of touch with the rhythm and blues But now I need a little give and take The New York Times, The Daily News.

I'm not a fighter. I'm not a tough guy at all. I walk away from fights.

Stirner and Nietzsche ... reveal how prone morality is to being used as a means of rationalization, a cloak for concealing violent and brutish passions, and making their sadistic expression a virtue.

The world is divided up into two kinds of people - those who look at their body waste in the toilet bowl, and those who don't.

I'm really fun. I'm ridiculously fun. I hope I'm infectiously fun.

It is odd how one can feel like someone else early in the morning - bigger, cleaner, so much more alive.

You couldn't have done this without killing an Arab prince.