A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

The soul suffers to the pain for the neglect of the spirit.

For I had loved Seid even in his darkest hours, even as he cursed me and we rode upon a fine line between ardor and abhorrence

I see two lovers looking over the edge of the cauldron of hell. Are they contemplating a double suicide? This means their love will end in hell.' I couldn't stop laughing.

I’m a liar and a cheat and a coward, but I will never, ever, let a friend down. Unless of course not letting them down requires honesty, fair play, or bravery.

There is time enough for everything in the course of the day if you do but one thing at once but there is not time enough in the year if you will do two things at a time.

What men really want is not knowledge but certainty.

Art is vice. You don't marry it legitimately, you rape it.

I believe that it is appropriate for young people in society to revisit Malcolm's journey and his role in history.

I think heterosexuality and homosexuality are a kind of psychosis, and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Whose heart the accustom'd sight of death makes hard.