A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Keep working while grace abound.

Financial illiteracy is like being in a rain storm and trying to jump in between the raindrops... eventually it all catches you at the same time.

Never forget that children are at the heart of everything we do. Respect them, listen to them, talk to them as equals, and care about them.

We need to stop flying, stop driving cars and jetting around on marine recreational vehicles.

God doesn't make mistakes and timing unfolds as it should.

When something is truly funny, it's funny all the time.

Women are not ladies. The term connotates females who are simultaneously put on a pedestal and patronized.

I get to swim in the ocean every single day, which is a very, very important thing to do to stay connected.

If the person at the wheel refuses to ask for directions, it is time for a new driver.

Who's Myrnin?" Claire controlled an urge to roll her eyes. "Badass crazy vampire scientist who's my boss." "You realize no part of that sentence made sense, right?