A man must defend his home, his wife, his children, and his martini.

One of these days... One of these days... Pow! Right in the kisser!

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

If you have it and you know you have it, then you have it. If you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it. If you don't have it but you think you have it, then you have it.

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.

Sometimes the feeling that life is great just swells up inside you and fills you with joy.

Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me. But from those I look at.

A lot of people say, 'Well, I like a challenge. 'I don't like challenges. Life is tough enough without any challenges.

Does God have a sense of humor? He must have if He created us.

Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.

I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.

Confession: I don't want to be one of my characters. I'm mean to them sometimes. Really mean.

YOU are YOU! Know YOU can! YOU must not be afraid because God has a prosperous future plan for YOU! YOU got to know YOU! Guess who you are? YOU are a blessing to all others especially me!

Love has glints of light that wake up our heart to feel the beauty of life.

There is no glory in honesty if it is destructive. And no shame in dishonesty if its goal is to offer grace.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

My dad probably gave me the best advice growing up. I think it's really just keeping your cool in situations and learning to balance everything.

Arizona is really cool but I couldn't stay there for too long.

Nonviolence being the mightiest force in the world and also the most elusive in its working, demands the greatest exercise of faith.

We don't have mad cow disease. We probably never will have mad cow disease, and therefore, it's a non-problem in the United States.

He frowned as he struggled to remember. It was like watching an elephant crochet.