A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

It is true that you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. It is also true that you can choose your partner and in doing so, you end up choosing the family you've always wanted.

My wife tells me she doesn't care what I do when I'm away as long as I'm not enjoying it.

Education is not something that the government invests in. Because if you invest in education, no politician can come and tell you something that doesn't make sense.

The world needs a sense of worth, and it will achieve it only by its people feeling that they are worthwhile.

A man is just a woman's strategy for making other women.

Everyday life inspires me, the situations that we all find ourselves in at one time or another.

Whatever notoriety Fall Out Boy used to have prevents me from having the ability to start over from the bottom again.

Reason is immortal, all else mortal.

There was [really] little difference between someone acting throwing french fries in your face and someone throwing french fries in your face.

I'm not the go-to guy. Everybody is trying to tell their story and have different ways of telling it.