A man who has spent most of his adult life trying out a series of patent medicines is always an optimist.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles.

Sickness is a belief which must be annihilated by the divine Mind.

Giving other people advice is one of the most irritating and useless activities known to man.

It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it.

Can you imagine - a blond Tarzan?

There were a lot of great things you could go and hear for very little money at the time [ '80s]. Mike Stern is still playing at the 55 Bar on Mondays or Wednesdays.

If your children see that you are seeking, they will seek-the finding part is up to God.

I think it's bad when people start booing between serves.

I love all kinds of music. Everybody knows that Nas is my favorite lyricist in the universe. I'd love to collaborate with him on something.

Mirth cannot move a soul in agony.