A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Infancy is irretrievable. Its memories live underground. To what extent they return by stealth or are triggered by various catalysts remains an ongoing question.

Ish #1 "It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles.

That is the strangeness of language: it crosses the boundaries of the body, is at once inside and outside, and it sometimes happens that we don't notice the threshold has been crossed.

Love grows and wanes, but honor, duty, and commitment, those things are constant and stable. They define who you are.

In real life, when someone's partner calls them, they can tell from the first word their partner says what their mood is.

I didn't grow up in the typical happy American home, but music was always a safe and wonderful place for me to go.

The day is breaking someone else's heart.

I know that's fun for people to talk about who are fans of the franchise, and it's fun to get to kind of have my own feelings about that as well.

Nonsense and noise will oft prevail, When honor and affection fail.

I've been to Egypt, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, and Kuwait for brief visits at conferences, and they are very interesting countries.