A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

We never touch but at points.

We are living in a multicultural society. Our role as leaders is to enable grappling with this situation, even when multiculturalism is difficult.

The most exciting thing happening in business is the rise of vigilante consumers.

One of the best gifts you can give to an animal is a donation of a blanket to your local animal shelter during the winter months.

Too many times I’ve been wrong, I guess being right takes too long.

I think women can be just as sexist. Women can be misogynistic, too - more so, they have more freedom to do it.

I was a virgin. People find that hard to believe, but when you're raised in a church, that was just the way it is.

I believe that living on the edge, living in and through your fear, is the summit of life, and that people who refuse to take that dare condemn themselves to a life of living death.

The more distant and distinct the relationship between two realities that are brought together, the more powerful the image.

If you have a built-in level of respect and trust and openness to essentially be yourself, it allows for a deeper uncensored communication [with your partner].