A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got lots of numbers in it.

If there are any ifs to salvation then no one is saved by grace. Everyone saves himself who can meet the requirements

How pleasant it is to have money.

I'm a people's man - only the people matter.

The executioner's face is always well hidden.

I've heard attacks were made on coalition forces because of those. I apologize to the families of those who lost loved ones or were injured because of the photos.

I don't think I've played a lot of crazy people.

Our (the Stoic) motto, as you know, is live according to nature.

Women and love are underpinnings. Examine them and you threaten the very structure of culture.

And blind oblivion swallowed cities up.