A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

It's not how long it glows. It's not how long the light lasts. It's what it says while it's still visible.

The closest and most precious people in your life are guaranteed to make you feel the entire spectrum of human emotions.

I'd rather be strongly wrong than weakly right.

There is not an inch of any sphere of life over which Jesus Christ does not say, 'Mine.'

Keep in mind that life produces no maestros, only students of varying shades of ineptitude.

Virtue is the roughest way, but proves at night a bed of down.

The whole world turned into an all-you-can-eat buffet.

If anyone wants to save the planet, all they have to do is just stop eating meat.

People fashion their God after their own understanding. They make their God first and worship him afterwards.

I think if you put something in a file that says "war poems" or "love poems" that you already restrict the way in which the poem might move.