A new study found that Americans are exercising more than ever but still not losing much weight. Not good in fact, it's all I could think about on my jog to Dunkin' Donuts.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

You have to be a light to yourself in a world that is utterly becoming dark.

The main trouble with being an honest man was that it lost you all your illusions.

...into hate, into refusal, against hope and without fear

A schoolboy's tale the wonder of an hour!

There is a spirit, an energy, that works with us. We've all felt it at some point in our lives.

I think that every so-called history book and film biography should be prefaced by the statement that what follows is the author's rendition of events and circumstances.

A man is simple when his chief care is the wish to be what he ought to be, that is honestly and naturally human.

I was an accidental model. One day I was asked to me a model by a neighbor who was short on models. Then I got into TV.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.