A new study found that students who are taught abstinence end up with better math scores. Of course, if you join the math team, the abstinence takes care of itself.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

If you do not have a cause, then you have nothing at all! Get a cause and march with that cause!

I don't discuss basketball. I dictate basketball. I'm not interested in philosophy classes.

I can't find my car keys in the morning. Trying to get out of my house is a nightmare. 'Where's my wallet? Where are my keys? I have to go find a missing person.'

Believe me, nothing is trivial.

I would recommend that anyone who wants to do comedy on TV to do radio first.

Life's a journey. It's a journey about discovering limits.

25 years later, you know, I haven't really put too much emphasis on any kind of individual goal, other than trying to win any particular night, trying to find a way to do that.

It's really interesting to go back to '93 or '94 and listen to that music, like the I'll Lead You Home record

There was a perfection to the moment that made Sienna think: Yes, this is it. This is who we're meant to be together.

A lot of movies that come from Israel are about war, but there is such good, funny, rounded writing that comes from the country that I wish more people would discover.