A party: one arrives long after it's started, and one's going to leave long before it's over.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret of happiness. Then if you're not a good mixer you can always fall back on your own company.

The French are a logical people, which is one reason the English dislike them so intensely. The other is that they own France, a country which we have always judged to be much too good for them.

I don’t work. I merely inflict myself on the public.

The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.

The ball is man's most disastrous invention, not excluding the wheel.

Every child should be placed on a doorstep to sell something. It's the best possible training for life.

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

Show me the man who has enjoyed his schooldays and I will show you a bully and a bore.

To strengthen your power of love, Love those who do not deserve your love.

Like, when you kiss him, POW, he gets hit by a bear. Totally not your fault. You shouldn't feel bad about that. It's not your bear.

The birth of democracy in Iraq is one of the great positive changes of our era.

The renewal of our natures is a work of great importance. It is not to be done in a day. We have not only a new house to build up, but an old one to pull down.

On the one side was bigotry, ignorance, hatred, superstition, every sort of blackness that the human mind is capable of. On the other side was sense.

We lie. That's what we do. You're selling me a line of bullshit and you want me to sell you a line of bullshit back so you can write a major line of bullshit and be paid for it.

(The Tao) is always present and always available. . . . If you are willing to be lived by it, you will see it everywhere, even in the most ordinary things.

Any good practical philosophy must start out with the recognition of our having a body.

Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

Morality is the custom of one's country and the current feeling of one's peers.