A perfect martini should be made by filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.

Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.

It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

There's always something fishy about the French.

Mona Lisa looks as if she has just been sick, or is about to be.

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

Work is much more fun than fun.

For gin, in cruel sober truth, supplies the fuel for flaming youth.

Work hard, do the best you can, don't ever lose faith in yourself and take no notice of what other people say about you.

You will know you're old when you cease to be amazed.

I will accept anything in the theatre . . . provided it amuses or moves me. But if it does neither, I want to go home.

If your present thoughts do not lift you higher than your previous ones, rid yourself of them.

But these clouds won’t leaveWalk awayBarely breathingAs I’m lying on the floorTake my heartAs you’re leavingI don’t need it anymore

You are positively beautiful and I love you. Pass it on…

Sectional football games have the glory and the despair of war, and when a Texas team takes the field against a foreign state, it is an army with banners.

The burning embers within me burst into flame / My body becomes a fire-lit torch. / Ho someone! Send for the mid-wife.

I was hanging out with Jonathan Richman last night.

The civilization of cities is breeding a new race of monks who have none of the original religious drive towards chastity, but are just incapable of facing the responsibilities of marriage.

Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.

We all hope we have something else to do. We're going to be unemployed actors. It's a consistent state of being a professional actor, in my experience.

My kids are no different than anyone else's - they tend to disagree with everything I say!