A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Just being yourself is the easiest thing you can do. It doesn't take much effort.

Whenever she felt like crying, she would instead become angry—at someone else or at herself—which meant that it was rare for her to shed tears.

Freedom is not just declared it is exercised.

Imagine your ideal future. Visualize yourself as if your life were perfect in every respect.

Another lesson about a naive fool who came to Babylon, and found out that the pie don't taste so sweet.

Dreaming by the river, I dedicated my imagination to water, to clear, green water, the water that makes the meadows green.

Art is the god you have not seen.

When that white driver stepped back toward us, when he waved his hand and ordered us up and out of our seats, I felt a determination cover my body like a quilt on a winter night.

Sometimes, the person who could make you happiest is the one who waits patiently in the wings.

Be the person you wish to become - today. Talk like them, walk like them, breathe like them! Be them NOW!