A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

A true leader always keeps an element of surprise up his sleeve which others cannot grasp but which keeps his public excited and breathless.

Folly is perennial and yet the human race has survived.

A society that destroys the environment that supports it, I would not consider to be intelligent life. It's like the cancer that ultimately kills itself by destroying the host it feeds on.

I've always been interested in writing from the perspective of an outsider.

Adaptability is being able to adjust to any situation at any given time.

....I realized I actually had a choice in what I could believe.

We're having the first computer-generated comic strip in the United States.

I really romanticized being pregnant. Then I realized, this is awful!

If I'm within reach and can be helpful, I have a tendency to say 'Yes.' It's hard to say 'No.

There are a thousand thoughts lying within a man that he does not know till he takes up a pen to write.