A recent study found that people lie more when they are texting. Yeah, especially that one lie: "Sorry, just got your text!

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

No, I do not need an outrageous quest to prove my worth. I deserve happiness -- happiness on my own terms.

The homeland might be lacking snakes, but it held its share of venom.

We stress humanity, and this is done at considerable cost. We can't have a lot of dramatics that other shows get away with - promiscuity, greed, jealousy. None of those have a place in 'Star Trek.'

The same source that gave you the idea, will give you the means to see it through.

You can win the rat race but you're still a rat.

Human entirety can only be what it is when giving up the addiction to others' ends.

I batted my eyelashes and did my best to appear dumb as a board

I just happen to think people are better off doing something they actually like.

Without self awareness we are as babies in the cradles.

God's voice had been reduced to paper, and even that paper had to be moderated and deciphered by the proper authorities and intellect.