A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Nothing is more deceitful, " said Darcy, "than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast.

You discarded most of the lies along the way but held on to the one that said life mattered.

If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure.

The local church is the hope of the world, and its future rests primarily in the hands of its leaders.

Healthcare is a tough situation.

In a retreat the lame are formost. [In a retreat the lame are foremost.]

The language of music is common to all generations and nations; it is understood by everybody, since it is understood with the heart.

Imitation, if it is not forgery, is a fine thing. It stems from a generous impulse, and a realistic sense of what can and cannot be done.

Spice a dish with love and it pleases every palate.

It's dangerous to read the Internet about yourself when you're me. Or when you're anyone in the public eye.