A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Oppressors specialise in rasing wolves from amonst the sheep then together with the wolves devour the sheep

There's no more secure investment in the next generation than your prayers for your children!

To be able to thank Allah for a blessing is a blessing within itself.

I know that you have to be reserved about certain things in your life.

My job is to help people see what I see. If it's of value, fine. And, if it's not of value, then at least I've done what I can do.

The great art in writing advertisements is the finding out of a proper method to catch the reader's eye; without which, a good thing may pass over unobserved, or lost among commissions of bankrupt.

[On lions:] It has always seemed miraculous to me that these colossal animals can move noiselessly through the bush, and are thus able to surround one without warning.

The truth is limitless in its range, if you drop the T and look at it in reverse it could hurt.

When someone is trying to interpret something for you, they always have an agenda.

It only took me six months to get a record deal, but it took me 20 years to have a hit.