A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

A leader must stand up for his team even when he has to stand alone.

We looked at each other with that resentment you feel when you want something so much it’s causing you pain, so much you start to hate it a little.

She's burning and out of control and everything I love about fire.

We are all cups, and our destiny is poured according to measures we cannot understand, cannot influence.

The Library is the heart of the University.

Some people will tell you that slow is good - but I'm here to tell you that fast is better.

Go beyond what you feel like doing and do what's right. Every time you do what's right when you don't feel like it, you are growing.

Some people are faster than others; I'm just figuring it out later, that's all. I'm getting smart too late and old too soon.

There's nothing wrong with having a plan. Plans are great. But missions are better. Missions survive when plans fail, and plans almost always fail.

A man cannot make him laugh - but that's no marvel; he drinks no wine.