A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

If I have learned how to write fiction it's by working with great writers and getting them to explain their craft to me so that I can do it in English.

American fans want to meet you, and they wait for that autograph by the stage door. In the UK, it doesn't really happen that much.

There will be no end to angling controversies for there is no one best way for everyone to fish.

Habit is second nature.

When they mention great little things in life, they usually forget flossing.

In order to prevent Iran from becoming a nuclear country you have to introduce a system of verification and inspection.

He's got to let go of you sometime.

The war on drugs has been a social and political failure. We need to encourage sport and stop encouraging drugs.

Lessons learned in the home, last the longest.

War is the only game in which both sides lose.