A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I am happy that I can aid those admirable men, both living and dead, who by their pens or their tongues have aided the great cause of human liberty and universal happiness.

Every time a congressman or pundit says its 'class warfare' to increase taxes on the wealthy, it's a massive lie.

I'm fast for a cruiserweight.

Your real progressives are never fair: they are never sufficiently neutral.

Light our fire and protect us from the dark, blah blah, light our way and keep us toasty warm, the night is dark and full of terrors, save us from the scary things, and blah blah blah some more.

Purpose is the ultimate fuel for our journey through life. When we drive with purpose we don't get tired or bored and our engines don't burn out.

Which is probably the reason why I work exclusively in black and white... to highlight that contrast.

Everybody's got a worldview. Everybody's betting their life on something. ... You just better know why you're betting what you're betting on.

You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage.

It is the destiny of mint to be crushed.