A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

What is the secret of your serenity?” a student asked Sophia “Wholehearted cooperation with the inevitable, ” she replied.

We must always remember with gratitude and admiration the first sailors who steered their vessels through storms and mists, and increased our knowledge of the lands of ice in the South.

When God overcomes our difficulties for us, we have the assurance that we are engaged in His work and not our own

[ Iraq and Afghanistan] don't get better, they only get worse. Bombing them has only enabled them to grow and multiply.

I worked very hard. I felt I could play the game. The only thing that could stop me was myself.

Humility is the only virtue that no devil can imitate. If pride made demons out of angels, there is no doubt that humility could make angels out of demons.

The Life and Soul, the man who will never go home while there is one man, woman or glass of anything not yet drunk.

Yet once you've come to be part of this particular patch, you'll never love another. Like loving a woman with a broken nose, you may well find lovelier lovelies. But never a lovely so real.

I love kids, but they are a tough audience.

Marriages are said to be made in Heaven, which may be why they don't work here on Earth.