A stand-up's job is to hold the mirror up to society and to look at what we're afraid of. That's why we had shows like 'All in the Family' and 'The Jeffersons.' We made fun of ourselves then.

Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality.

And when I was angry, when I was younger, I was in a cocoon. Now I'm a beautiful, black butterfly.

Bad news travels at the speed of light; good news travels like molasses.

I have snakes, three sharks, moray eels, piranhas, five scorpions and a bird spider. All of them are predators. They are dangerous but it's cool to have strong and powerful pets.

I see knowledge of self. I know who I am. When I look in the mirror, I see me.

Don't follow in my footsteps. Be original, and create your own path. Be a trailblazer! Do you! Be better than me. Do you! Be happy and have joy in your life.

I love my mother. My mother made sure, her stubbornness - she made sure we was going to eat. She made sure we had Christmases. That was my mother. My father wasn't there for that.

My father said: "If you want to catch your girl cheating, you knock on the front door and run to the back, because he's coming out the back."

I love this cornbread so much, I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

If you have it [love], you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have.

The Holy Spirit not only convicts of sin but also convinces men that Jesus is the righteousness of God. He shows sinners that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.

To fool a judge, feign fascination, but to bamboozle the whole court, feign boredom.

There are no frictions between us, there is only rivalry.

One cannot permit unique opportunities to slip by for the sake of trifles.

The reason a person is in a particular state of mind is primarily because of attraction and aversion. Attraction and aversion cause us to format a mental or intellectual program.

I try to keep the meetings small, especially when we're doing product design.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

How do you forget that someone else is another person? No matter who they are. I don't think that's an excuse.

More than anyone else, he's (Hank Aaron) made me wish I wasn't a manager.