A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

You have a beautiful laugh. Like the promise of tomorrow.

Effective decision-making can be seen as an optimal link between memory of the past, ground-realities of the present and insights of the future.

The sin both of men and of angels, was rendered possible by the fact that God gave us free will.

Even though, No one is infallible. However, spend much effort in making yourself better. Stand out! Don't follow the masses. It produces results

A goal is a written plan.Write your dreams and visions.

The how of any betrayal was the hardest part to justify. How the lies can be assembled and stacked and maintained until the truth was completely hidden behind them.

Absences are a good influence in love and keep it bright and delicate.

A revival is nothing else than a new beginning of obedience to God.

Professional is not a label you give yourself - it's a description you hope others will apply to you.

Memories can bring comfort to the old and infirm, but memories can also be implacable foes, a malicious army of temporal ghosts forever pillaging the long-sought-after peace of our twilight years.