A talking dog is not the answer. That's not a way to convince people not to smoke pot. If animals started talking to me, I would up my pot consumption just to make that happen.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

Your personal growth is the only thing that matters. You own and write your story no one else does. Believe in your unique steps up the mountain.

It is inevitable that there will come a time when mankind will go out more at night and stay indoors during the day to avoid harmful solar rays.

I hate all the old pictures of me before 2010 - and they are always the first ones to come up. That's why I don't Google myself, man.

More than art, more than literature, music is universally accessible.

Even though [Donald] Trump is reported to not read very much and to have a limited range of experience, he is often certain that he is right and boldly asserts the correctness of his positions.

I pride myself on doing character-driven movies and, when my movies have worked, it's been because of the right casting and the right character, and it just clicks.

Envy is more incapable of reconciliation than hatred is.

Crooks aren't the worst people, just the stupidest. The fleas of the world.

You have to first believe in what you are, in what you can do, in what you say before you can make anybody believe in you.

The most important thing is what you already do. It's being authentic. It's being curious, trying to discover gifts.