A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Your thought should be creative and not destructive

We make a lot of detours, but we're always heading for the same destination

Brotherton So once in every year we throng Upon a day apart To praise the Lord with feast and song In thankfulness of heart.

The democrats are a coastal party.

The American way of war is to build an army, then another, then a third, while building fleets. If the war is still on at that point we smash.

If you could drink dreams like the Irish streams Then the world would be high as the mountain of morn In the Pool they told us the story How the English divided the land.

I wish I could say someone taught me my mental toughness, it would have been a lot less painful.

You're looking for help from God, you say he couldn't be found. Looking up to the sky and searchin' beneath the ground.

The greatness of a leader is measured by the achievements of the led. This is the ultimate test of his effectiveness.

The only thing I've been concerned about is whether I could grow my heart thing enough to protect me from the harsh western Canadian winter.