A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Family is the most important thing in this life.

I just follow God's lead. One step, one day and one opportunity at a time. The hardest part is not becoming distracted.

Flying was as necessary to my business as fiddles and footlights.

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.

That which is not measurable is not science. That which is not physics is stamp collecting.

Well, by now you must know yourself, honey, whatever you do, life don't stop. It only sits a minute and dreams a dream.

My toughest opponent has always been me.

Accepting the gift may take the accumulated wisdom of some trodden miles, but it also opens the welcome windows of joy.

The truth is in the kisses.

It's almost like my career has been [based on voting]. I won a dancing contest to get into wrestling. That involved fans voting. And then on Dancing with the Stars, fans were voting.