A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

Time to toss the dice

Forgive is the last best thing i can do.

All architects want to live beyond their deaths.

Men always want to be remembered whereas women realize that requires being dead.

My overall responsibility is to be truthful. If people pay money to come and see me, looking for something other than that, then they've made a mistake.

I've always had an air of mystery.

Donald Trump is the president. It's not a bad dream. It really happened. It's like being dumped by a lover and also being stuck in a nightmare.

Create the world you want to see.

I'm not tough. I'm tenacious.

You need to have a life outside your career.