A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

What they might lack in intelligence, they make up for with sheer quantities of high explosive.

Human needs rules and penalties.Lessons require heroes and villains.Ignore them, then welcome to the jungle.

Every uneducated person is a caricature of himself.

How beautiful the yesterday that stood Over me like a rainbow! I am alone, The past is past. I see the future stretch All dark and barren as a rainy sea.

There is light in darkness, you just have to find it.

The goal is to try and make the perfect song. Which of course will never happen.

Oh, how rare are the Christians who speak with a tender heart and have a theological backbone of steel.

As a kid, I think I wanted to be the on-set dresser for 'Charlie's Angels'. My goals weren't lofty. No. I just wanted to someday quit my paper round and that was about it.

Vanity can apply to both insecurity and egotism.

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.