A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Months are different in college, especially freshman year. Too much happens. Every freshman month equals six regular months—they're like dog months.

There's no way for them to take away my sadness, but they can make sure I am not empty of all the other feelings.

It's a shame there has to be a tragedy before the best in people will finally shine.

I was asked once why I write poetry. I said, why do you breath?

I want to be able to fight for what I'm worth, not someone else's generosity.

No one has ever asked to see my degree certificate.

People should get married at the end of the road, not the beginning.

You have miracles [in the Hebrew Bible], yes, but they're not the work, normally, of demons.

When we know what we want to prove, we go out and find our facts. They are always there.

Don't talk about what you have done or what you are going to do.