Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

A person obsessed with ultimate truth is a person asking to be relieved of money.

The cracks in old friendships are measured in awkward pauses.

I always thought eating was a ridiculous activity anyway. I'd get out of it myself if I could, though you've got to do it to stay alive, they tell me.

I shall not be lonely. No one who reads is ever that.

Fear not those who argue but those who dodge.

Like other forms of stealing, identity theft leaves the victim poor and feeling terribly violated.

In really good acting we should be able to believe that what we hear and see is of our own imagining; it should seem to be to us as a charming dream.

I'd love to do yoga every day. I don't usually have time, but a few sun salutations go a long way.

The future is as bright as the promise of God.