According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, 'Actually I just made that poll up.'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

First I was decayed, I was putrefied. Kept thinking I could never live on, now that I had died...

We like that a sentence should read as if its author had he held a plough instead of a pen could have drawn a furrow deep and straight to the end.

I can definitely say the older I've got the better I've become at being a dad and a husband.

Nothing causes more consternation in a group of hypocrits than one honest man.

To realize the unimportance of time is the gate to wisdom.

I was a power dunker. I want to go straight up, put it down on somebody. I want everybody under there.

People who wrote literary novels about the past probably didn't want them pegged as historical fiction. Certainly that was true in England.

I was commanding officer of a supersonic fighter squadron, F-8 Crusaders.

I was raised to want to work for a living. The idea of just sitting around or going shopping every day appalls me.

What a labour writing is ... making one sentence do the work of a page; that's what I call hard work.