According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

And so I tell you, restless one, that no matter what happens, when things get dark, look to the light and keep moving forward in faith.

Are you going to last if I start nibbling at your ankles and work my way up?" "No. You might make it to my knee, but only if I think about starving children and venereal warts.

We have three kinds of family 1.Those we are born to 2.Those who are born to us3.And those we let into our hearts ♥

Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.

You need more than an idea to run a business

I love to make people feel like they are taking a part in their own body and evolution.

You can't get stuck on what should have happened. That doesn't help you.

Crying never helped anybody do anything, okay? You have a problem, you face it like a man.

The idealism of the left is a very selfish idealism. In their war against 'the rich' and big business, they don't care how much collateral damage there is to workers who end up end up unemployed.

Having seen and felt the end, you have willed the means to the realization of the end.