According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Everyone writes with hand, but very few can write with heart

Kiss me. My lips are on fire.You, my friend, are the object of mysecret desire.

When we asked college students how they adapted to the tidal wave of new technology, one explained, "It's only technology if it happened after you were born.

Possibility of enjoying life makes death feel terrible.

It's the same thing that drives people to want to experience sexual pleasure or have one too many drinks. We all want to experience the other, and to get out of our daily existence.

The angels did not merely sin and lose heaven, but they passed beyond all other beings in sin and made themselves fit denizens for hell.

We only think when we are confronted with problems.

It's possible to overlook character flaws of in-laws for the simple reason that you feel neither responsible for them nor genetically implicated.

There is little place in the political scheme of things for an independent, creative personality, for a fighter. Anyone who takes that role must pay a price.

Writing a poem is unwriting a knot, like untying a shoelace that is clubbing your foot.