According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Give me liberty or give me death.".]

Don’t be restricted to your comfort zone alone

The Key To Success is finding a way to win, no matter what happens

Honestly, Bob: how do you carve a scream?

That is the rule of the Wilds: You must be bigger and stronger and tougher. You must hurt or be hurt.

See yourself and others through the eyes of an angel and you will see a beautiful world that is light, bright, and hopeful.

An undesirable society, in other words, is one which internally and externally sets up barriers to free intercourse and communication of experience.

Cure yourself of the affliction of caring how you appear to others. Concern yourself only with how you appear before God, concern yourself only with the idea that God may have of you.

I'm a common-sense kind of guy.

Royalty has always been an unconscious but all-consuming goal of the European immigrant.